Very dear customer,
We have received your request to unsubscribe from FLCN, the world’s leading falcon subscription service. To Confirm: You’d never want a live bird of prey delivered straight to your door again, would you?
In order for us to better assist you, please explain to us how your lifestyle is incompatible with supporting an ever-increasing number of fearsome winged hunters. Did you find our missing hawks? How many small mammals do they catch each week, on average?
The FLCN team
Thank you for answering our questions about your experience with the FLCN (now in our fourth round of VC funding!). We’re sorry, but no, we cannot disclose who signed you up for our Falcon subscription service, as the donor has chosen to remain anonymous.
Aren’t falcons majestic? It was hard to part with those tawny kestrels we sent last month. On this subject, we still do not have enough enough information to cancel your subscription. Please let us know more specifically how overwhelmed you are with regular deliveries of the world’s most beautiful and terrifying animals.
Team Talon at FLCN
Hi my friend,
Did you know that falcons (and indeed all modern birds) are descended from dinosaurs? Cool, right? But we understand that you have struggled to keep twelve (soon to be thirteen!) of these impressive creatures in your small urban apartment. And we are sorry for the loss of your chihuahua. Our legal team (copied here) are usually very helpful with these matters.
The FLCN herd
I hope you enjoy it Falco hypoleucos, or gray falcon, which we sent to you last Monday. And yes, you guessed it! This means that we are still unable to cancel your subscription.
Jen, the truth is we have a lot of hawks here. Dozens and dozens of them. We spend thousands of dollars on chicken carcasses every week just to feed them! As one of our seven valued subscribers, your continued support is invaluable.
Your feathered friends at the FLCN
Dear Mrs. Wyatt,
We are appalled. Our Shipping Coordinator has informed us that you have refused delivery of our last Falcon, which is currently in limbo at a UPS hub in Bethlehem, PA. This amazing creature is now a desktop mascot named Nacho who feeds on Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast burritos.
Jen, we don’t just to reject hawks. If we are unable to make our regular and scheduled deliveries, we have other means.
Close your windows, Jen.